11.04.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 5:14 pm by Administrator
It’s official. The character description I jokingly apply to myself is…true.
That’s according to my therapist. Yes, I have a therapist. I will give you a moment to get over it…
OK. I have been going on and off for 10 or so years. I get on the wagon then jump off when I realize I am paying someone to listen to me and give me friendly advice, then jump back on when I realize my friends who I don’t pay to give me friendly advice, actually are also people who need to pay someone to give them some words of wisdom as well.
Confusing? Try being inside my head.
I saw him last night. “Him” is my mystery man. Mid 60s, highwater pants, one hell of a short term memory. Good thing he has my chart to recall what I spoke to him about last time I was there….2 years ago. He was friendly. And while I was there with an agenda, and flipped me on my ass. Had me tearing up. I got a feeling he does that often, considering a large box of tissue pre-placed next to me.
It’s hard to answer to someone else about yourself. Not in a threatening way, but in a “I want to genuinely help you” way. Like they are actually concerned. I know this is something many friends can do, but how many times do you feel like they are waiting their turn to speak, or that you are burdening them with your 10 minute rant/sob story/or both? I can feel that my current self is becoming numb to that, and holding a lot of feelings in. Everyone is very busy these days, and have a lot on their plates, and have kids, spouses, real jobs, dogs, schedules! I don’t want to be the person to take up valuable time they need. And so I pay…my mystery man.
What I got from my first session back was that I am the neurotic, spazzy, over-analytical person in most of my relationships. But before I my stomach sunk into the thought that I am a hopeless cause, he told me to embrace it. He said many people like that are more creative, giving, loving, empathetic. He basically said to embrace my crazy, and love that part of me that sets me apart from other people.
I liked hearing hearing that different perspective…unleash the inner spaz! Let it out and love it!
But my next thought was, I am a pretty potent neurotic. Does he know what he just did? This could be dangerous. And he will definitely hear about it all next session!
Permalink
10.19.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 1:25 am by Administrator
Even through the Airborne tablets, liquid Dayquil, sugar-free cough drops and endless tissue rubbing my nose raw, I must say, today was a good day.
I have been auditioning and working consistently for the past month, and nothing feels better than working successfully for yourself. It has been a rough road to this point and by no means do I feel relaxed in my current situation, but it feels like I am on the right track.
With each interview, audition, and networking opportunity, I am building a confidence I never really had before. I used to wait for people to tell me my worth, my strengths, my weaknesses…now I am thinking for myself. I am finally getting to know my likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, and weaknesses that are actually strengths. I finally feel alive. And hungry for more.
I just have to get over this persistent cold!
Permalink
07.28.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 7:40 pm by Administrator
I know, we all have complained about this at one point - the dating game.
Some of us lucky ones have ventured past it, but there are many still stuck in the abyss of mating. And there really is no way around it.
I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, because I cross my fingers for love all the time. But when I hear the complicated, frustrating accounts from people starting to date and get to know each other (both men and women), I feel like this game is just mandatory.
So grab a bottle of motrin (and vodka) because the fun and inevitable headaches are about to begin.
I started thinking about this after a visit from a friend (seen above, but insisted on remaining anonymous by playing peek a boo with the camera). He is dating someone who is sooo obviously more into him than he is to her, but of course he’s not going to end it because “she’s a nice girl.”
And I’m sure the sex is good as well.
Fair? No. But he who has plenty to eat, never goes hungry. (I swear, that wasn’t meant to come out like that. Ew. Again, sorry for that one too. )
It’s really a guessing game, sometimes you have the upper, and sometimes you have the lower hand. I see the problem when questions start to arise, like, “Are you seeing anyone else?” “When was the last time you slept with someone?” “Do you want kids?” “Do you see yourself getting married?” “Where do you see us going?” And usually it is us, the strong, yet so complicated women, who can’t keep our mouths shut, and tend to either hint at these questions, or ask them straight up after two too many drinks. Because we MUST know.
And men, who want to have company, and not necessarily a regular partner, have to balance answering these questions vaguely to keep the dating (and mating) going. But where can this lead to? My friend doesn’t know. He’s just keeps the game going.
I needed a motrin just hearing about it. But I suppose it’s good to hear these accounts and stay savvy on the mystery of mating, because we could all end up back there!
Permalink
07.24.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:38 pm by Administrator
I don’t celebrate Fridays like I used to:)
They don’t have the same joyous connotation they once had - ever since I left my 9-5 to pursue freelance projects. I don’t really get “a case of the Mondays” anymore, and there really is no “hump” on my Wednesdays. And I definitely stopped counting down the hours on Friday afternoons!
What I do miss of the 9-5 life is the regularity of seeing people that make me laugh, people I can go to immediately in times of stress, people I can run to to tell a quick funny story and get back to work. Even though we were separated by cubicles, we were all in the same pen. And there was a strange comfort in being a part of that zoo.
I got to sit down with Jaymee, Erin, and Laura today from Wealth TV for lunch…short time, but good time. It’s nice to know we still make the effort to see each other! And that we all love Indian food! (Laura, maybe you should opt out on the curry next time:) )
Permalink
07.23.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 5:51 pm by Administrator
I can’t take credit for the title. Those are my good friend Jaymee’s words of wisdom today.
It’s funny what little things can turn a slumpy day around. Those are pretty much the words that did it.
I was pretty busy this morning even though work wasn’t involved with any of it. I had my mom in town, and spent last night and this morning with her. She’s now on her way to SF to see my sister, which will be fun, but I heard, chilly!
After the morning of driving downtown with Comic Con terror, and pretend shopping for more DS games, I finally sifted my way through Yelp to find a nearby wi fi cafe to start working. I even called to confirm I could set up shop. Me: “Do you have wi fi? Would it be weird to be on my laptop there for a little while?” Guy at Corner Shop Bakery: “It would be weird not to.” RAD.
But when I get there, there are no outlets around. Except outside. With swarming flies, heat and powerful sun that makes my laptop screen nearly impossible to see.
Little things can get me so frustrated, and I suppose I was feeling overwhelmed and snippy. When I am not productive, I feel frantic, and start scrambling. But I made my way to my safe haven in Little Italy, my trusty little cafe, and started to breathe again.
Then Jaymee texts me some fun words that snapped me out of my funk, and kicked in my spunk!
Permalink
07.22.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 3:49 pm by Administrator
It’s no secret. I am a stress machine fueled by solar power. It doesn’t take much to run me, I feed off natural elements, and I exert stress when all the world is asleep. If I were a car and stress was my gas, I would get the best mileage compared to anything on the market. Take me cross country and you can rely on my nervous energy putting you along to the opposite coast. If you run out of gas, wait a few minutes, because I’m sure I will recharge with more things to worry about in about 10 minutes. Tops.
I’ve tried many things to calm myself. Yoga, prozac, Buddhism books, meditation, walks, nature, church…yes, church. I somehow allow myself to always return to this little ball of anxiety. Not by choice, but from instinct.
I can’t help but feel like when things are going well, there is something lurking around the corner to bring down my happiness. I’m sure this can be attributed to many things - childhood, men, genetics, some traumatic event in my life, friends, etc., but I would like to think I can eventually turn this off. I can hear people’s reactions to this as I write it; “Look at what you have, and appreciate what you’ve got” “So many have it worse off than you do” “Things are going so well for you, you have nothing to worry about”. I just wish I let myself feel happy. And I do sometimes, but it’s usually followed by the lump making it’s way to my throat and reminding me everything is fleeting.
It’s very possible that I just need to adjust to myself, embrace my quirks, and turn the thought of impermanence as a positive. Appreciate the happy moments because they don’t last. Enjoy people I meet because I won’t know them forever. Unconditionally love because our existence here is limited. This is a time when I should remember what I have “permanently” tattooed on my body. Carpe Diem. Changing perspective can make something seemingly negative turn into clear optimism. I all of a sudden feel relaxed.
(And I’m taking advantage of that, because I know being relaxed, won’t last:) )
Permalink
07.08.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 10:11 pm by Administrator
Hey all…without a 9-5, I have a hard time remembering what date it is. I suppose that’s not uncommon, but I really should care more than I do. By no means does this say that I am being lazy. I just created a whole new site for a project AE Films is starting called Inside Look! I will disclose more information once I get things rolling a little faster, but it looks good. I think the key to being successful at the very beginning is being simple. As a great professor of mine once told me…KISS. Keep it short and simple!
I’m having an interesting time working from home. I always feel like I’m not doing enough. It has been a dream of mine to work for myself and actively pursue projects that I have control over. And I am. Right now. However, old habits die hard. The structure of a regular job is second nature to me, and I feel guilty most days if I get up past nine. I know, I know, its not something to complain about, but its a very conflicting feeling.
Yesterday was a very trying day for me. The Michael Jackson memorial drained me. A lot of people think it was silly to watch so much of the coverage, and that there was so much coverage in the first place. But I thought it was appropriate. Someone as huge as MJ and who has impacted so many lives was surreal. I took him for granted. I don’t own any albums, nor have I attended any concerts. Up until last week, I didn’t even know the names of his children. But my heart ached yesterday, because someone so iconic, who was not given the recognition he deserved during his life, has passed, is gone and its too late to tell him how incredible he was. Maybe a lot of us didn’t even realize it until now. Maybe he didn’t even know his impact. People like him come by only a handful of times (if we’re lucky) in a lifetime and I suppose I should feel lucky to observe him through his journey. I couldn’t exactly describe the way I felt. But I do know I spent most of the day mourning our loss.
Permalink
07.01.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 2:57 am by Administrator
I’m working on my new website, all by myself! It’s easier than I thought to design it, especially with a personal tutor by the name of Andrew:) I have a lot more to update, but this is the general format I’m going to use…If all else fails, I’m going into web design…Yeah right…
I’m going to try and update my blog often, so get ready for some rants and raves! Also, I’ll be putting up current projects I’m working on…very exciting things are happening! Stay tuned!
Permalink
